Sorry Guys...
Yesterday was a rough day -- I had high hopes of meeting my future husband. Alas, I did not. Bummer. Did anyone meet their future spouse on the 10th day of the seventh month in the year 2006? Regardless, I have a new post coming soon and it is also related to my future man. Can you guys believe how many posts I'll have accumulated about someone I don't even know? Is that weird? I don't care.
Should this have been a "Confession"?
Should this have been a "Confession"?
posted by Lexia at 12:58 PM
30 Comments:
You are starting to slip. I don't know if you can keep this blog thing going! HA!
Was there anything about yesterday that was significant or are you just being "funny"?
And there's no way I met mine future spouse yesterday, as I did not leave the house. Yay for being a hermit.
Huh. Didn't leave today either.
I've left the apartment and socialized since I got back, but to no avail.
Well, I had three very funny, lighthearted conversations with three very funny and cute guys. Who knows? Maybe one of the three will be MY future husband. :)
Have you considered that your blatant eagerness isn't very conducive to finding a spouse?
As a guy (who, on record, does want to get married one day) I would be very leery dating someone who was so impatient about getting married.
Are you not worried that in your enthusiasm you will make a poor choice that will effect your whole life, not to mention the lives of your spouse and children?
As another guy, I find eagerness to marry attractive.
On the other hand, i find an obssession with finding "the perfect man" very unattractive. One shouldn't demand perfection unless one is already perfect.
Shoot. Almost any girl is eager to marry. It's just that Lexia's being honest and talking about it.
Nice, by the way, to cloak a comment like that in anonymity. Brave of you.
Yeah, Anonymous Guy -- why don't you show yourself?
Who says that enthusiasm leads to poor choices, anyway? What a load of crap. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all week! I think that if someone's enthusiastic about something, they'll probably really do their research.
I think Ian made a very good point. As long as expectations are set right, and you're not looking for perfection, I think you're good to go. And I can see from Lexia's posts that she's not expecting perfection.
first anonymous it totally right. i read this blog and am terrified that you had very high expectations which lead to an unrealistic view of your future. unrealistic expectations of a future partner can lead to disharmony. when you do find a partner, your'e likely to be comparing him to your 'lists' and not see who the real 'him' is, just what you want him to be. it's a backwards approach that is bound for depression or marital dischord.
if you'd like proof i can get you in touch with literally a dozen divorced LDS women who married the first TR holder they dated, then attempted to mold them into their idea of 'perfect husbands' and it backfired.
date someone you are comfortable with, be patient, and don't always go for the first offer (unless of course, he's what you are after). you're making gigantic legal, financial and emotional decisions when looking for a spouse. that's a lesson I WISH they taught in RS instead of the fairy tale temple wedding.
While I generally agree with the second anonymous, I think the point in RS is to encourage pursuit of the ideal with the assumption that women will be mature and sensible enough to take a pragmatic approach to human nature.
sensible: adj
having, containing, or indicative of good sense or reason : RATIONAL, REASONABLE
mature: adj
based on slow careful consideration (ie a mature judgement)
Do you really think that obsessing over a future that may not come to fruition is sensible or mature? Does your happiness depend completely on this knight in shining armor?
I'm really am not trying to be negative about how you choose to live your life. You are obviously intelligent. It's just that this compulsive desire is quite intriguing to me.
btw, this is anonymous #1
it's too broad an assumption though. evident and sad, as i recently talked with a local 23 year old lds girl, pregnant, who is in the middle of a divorce. no he didn't cheat, neither did she, and they are still very much in love. the problem?
he slacks off on religious responsibilities.
this girl has no idea what she's getting herself into. a single mom, in the church, young, absolutely no career skillset, and no job, never had a job, nowhere to live, no income, no higher education....
it's simply atrocious.
maybe the church as a whole needs to re-think things, focus less on obedience, tithing and the evils of pre-marital sex and focus more on real life scenarios. instead of preaching abstinence, talk about how NOT to get AIDS if you DO slip up and have sex with a stranger.
maybe instead of talking about how wonderful and necesary it is to find a spouse, talk about what to look for in terms of compatibility and what married life is truly like.
i dunno, i don't want to turn this into a 'holy war' or anything, but the truth is that nearly every entry on this blog mentions marriage. the few at the top of the page really indicate that this person has no clue what it's like to be married, or even to competently find a spouse.
i suggest this service to any LDS couple contemplating marriage:
http://beforeforever.byu.edu/
and for most lds women in general:
http://wsr.byu.edu/issues__perfectionism.htm
Yes, I think planning for the future is sensible and mature. I don't think it is irrational or untoward to anticipate or look forward to a state, such as marriage, which has the potential for bringing so much joy and knowledge into one's life. The poor choices and mistakes of individuals ultimately have no bearing on whether the institution itself is good or not. Going forward in life with no hopes, goals, ambitions or dreams simply because there is a potential for risk or pain is childish and supremely unfulfilling.
Also, I would argue that true obedience to God's will would result in more happy, successful marriages. But that might just be me.
And whatever the critics and detractors may say, Lexia, I think this theme-month is loads of fun!
Hey, Ian. I like you and your comments. You seem very smart and level-headed -- I wish you would let the world know what your blog address is.
Hey, don't you guys know about the technology called Site Meter? You're not as anonymous as you think.
Not entirely anonymous, no. But sitemeter's not exactly pinpoint accurate either.
And lest I get accused of being an anonymous now unmasking myself (check the stats, I'm clearly not), I'd have to throw in for a perspective somewhere between Ian and the anonymi.
Eagerness in itself isn't necessarily bad, unattractive, or a guarantee one will make a bad decision, but hearing a woman talk repeatedly about how she wants to be married can have a chilling effect on the men around her. Same goes for men that women decide "protest too much."
While I think it's valid to say "if they're scared off, I don't want them anyway," I think it's equally possible that perfectly good prospects are scared away by it. "Does she like me for me, or does she like me as a means to her marriage goal?"
I think the "am I an end in myself or the means to an end" is specific problem that anonymous 2 (or 1, I lose track) was getting at about failed BYU marriages. I've seen too many cases (granted, to my mind one is too many) where people were so fired up to get married to someone that they jumped in before they had the maturity or drive to make it work. They wanted to get married, but they may not have really wanted to be married yet.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married, there's nothing wrong with being up front about it. I actually think that Lexia's month of future husband is fun... She announced it, she's paying it off, and it's her friggin' blog. She can say what she wants and behave as healthfully or unhealthfully in other people's eyes as she wants to.
And now I imagine that I'll find that my point here is made completely moot by "Dear Anonymous #1." Least I enjoyed writing it. ^_^
"'Does she like me for me, or does she like me as a means to her marriage goal?'"
That is an amazingly good point. I think women sometimes have to worry about that too.
I hope you come back to my blog and read this post because it's pretty much for you.
Wow, I get a whole post! Thank you! (I'm not being sarcastic btw, I really do feel privileged)
I'm not trying to hide behind my anonymity. The reason I've posted as anonymous was that I don't have a blogspot account and I have only just recently noticed the "Other" option. Plus, we don't know each other, so I thought that it wouldn't really matter one way or the other. My name is Madison, and I found your site through your sister's blog, if you are interested.
My intention wasn't to start a flame war. It's true that I've been hurt in relationships (Thank you Lauren for bringing sore subjects up ;) But, I'm a better person because of it. If I would have run headlong into marriage it would have been an ugly divorce instead of a ghastly break up.
I've had many friends, mostly female, get hurt because they wanted to be married so much that they were blinded. But, as Lindsey points out, I don't know you, nor do I, like Anonymous #2, know much about the Mormon church. So, maybe I'm being unfair.
Please accept my apologies if I offended you in any way. I was not trying to vociferously attack you, nor harsh your buzz. I quite like your buzz, I hope it keeps doing its thing.
As Charlie Brown said,
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like love."
Now, how 'bout that date Anonymous?!? Eh?
Date? Me? I'm afraid that I don't fit 2, 8, 9, or 15, and although I like to keep a clean bathroom, I can't say I'm highly interested in it.
anon 2 again!
i was chatting with some friends about this (yeah, it stirred up a bee's nest) and got permission to share this perspective. it follows a woman getting past the "I have to marry you now" complex some women go through when simply talking to a man:
"Much more difficult to shed are the other attitudes about Mormon dating such as the melodramatic search for "the one." Mormonism, particularly the version of it drilled into your brain in YSA wards, sucks the joy out of dating by turning it into just some end game of temple marriage. You never learn to merely enjoy the company of members of the opposite sex, never experience the fun that can come from relationships that don't take themselves so seriously, and most of all you never learn to appreciate intimacy. It is very hard to be friends with a member of the opposite sex when when you are conditioned to immediately size them up as a potential marriage partner. Dating simply for the enjoyment of dating took some getting used to for me."
keep in mind that 'intimacy' doesn't automatically mean 'sex'.
and quoting brian:
"They wanted to get married, but they may not have really wanted to be married yet."
this is more my point than anything else.... i guess we agree on something huh?
to ian:
"Also, I would argue that true obedience to God's will would result in more happy, successful marriages. But that might just be me."
Sometimes having a common belief structure can help, but in the end love and commitment go farther to making a marriage last than being obedient to God.
Also, I agree there's nothing wrong with being enthusiastic. However to an anonymous third party (such as myself) who stumbles across this blog and reads it, you do seem a little bit overzealous... however if it's all in good fun, well, hey, keep on keepin' on. Maybe I just didn't get the joke right off... *scratches head*
although in the words of brian:
"I think it's equally possible that perfectly good prospects are scared away by it."
I doubt we would ever date (even though I eerily match 95% of your age 25 list), IF we were dating and then I read this blog, I might be a little worried. Coward? Afraid of commitment? Nah, more like worried that you had no interest in me as a person. After seeing this played out over and over again, I think it is the marriage, not the husband, that most LDS girls I know dream about.
Just my 2 cents, and I promise I'll let it die now....
This is a really, really good observation: "After seeing this played out over and over again, I think it is the marriage, not the husband, that most LDS girls I know dream about." Maybe not MOST, but certainly MANY.
"Sometimes having a common belief structure can help, but in the end love and commitment go farther to making a marriage last than being obedient to God." See, I would argue that love and commitment ARE part of obedience to God. Taking the time to get to know someone, to learn if they are right for you and you are right for them, to seek God's will before jumping into marriage; these are all things that we are supposed to do first. I think you and I understand religion and obedience to God in different terms; I see it as a positive thing, something that should permeate one's life, suffusing every thought and deed. We should be be Christians 100% of the time, so we should seek to understand our S.O.'s/spouses, be forgiving and always seek to make them happy and be happy with them. If more people did that (which is part and parcel of the Gospel) there would be more successful marriages in and outside of the Church.
Also, I think there is just as much danger in focusing on the husband as there is on the marriage. See my comments regarding the pursuit of the imaginary, unattainable "perfect" spouse.
Personally, I like my romance to be grounded in close friendship.
Lexia's approach is whimsical though and she qualifies her list by noting that the right man may not fulfill all (or most) of these.
eek i said i'd let it die there but i just wanted to say more, so i revoke the death of anon#2....
"...so we should seek to understand our S.O.'s/spouses, be forgiving and always seek to make them happy and be happy with them. If more people did that ... there would be more successful marriages in and outside of the Church." -- edited for brevity
I agree 110% sir! This certainly applies to more than just the LDS faith.
This entire 'thread' could be aimed at other religions too, replace 'Mormon' and 'LDS' with either 'Catholic' or some fundamentalist protestant Christian splinters.
And not that I wouldn't want to date Lexia... she's quite cute... it's that I couldn't. I lack the appropriate Lamanated Rectangle of Reightousness that is ultimately important in her end goal of dating.
"Also, I think there is just as much danger in focusing on the husband as there is on the marriage. See my comments regarding the pursuit of the imaginary, unattainable "perfect" spouse.
Personally, I like my romance to be grounded in close friendship."
Also very well said! There definitely needs to be a balance. My closest relationships were blossomed out of friendship, and even if the 'girlfriend' level of closeness went away, they are still my friends, and good ones at that.
To Ian:
Love your comments from the last 2 days. They're wonderfully said. A+ + + + . . .
Thank you very much, Sara! That is probably the nicest thing anyone's said to me in ages! :D
If only more people had been this supportive, perhaps I never would've turned to supervillainy. *sigh* C'est la vie!
who/where are all these sad/mad/misguided LDS women? The ones I know have good heads on their shoulders. Whenever there's a discussion of dating it always turns to the negative. We can't wait to drag out our favourite stereotypes. Bollocks to that. Lexia is optimistic. I think that's all we can ask of each other.
Readers in Europe, clothes your eyes. YESSSSSSSSSS!!! She said bollocks.
oops, I don't me dress your eyes, I mean just close them. :o) Or whichever works so you don't see the kind of language I'm promoting.
Ooh! Does this mean we're free to curse? 'Cause if so, I've got some doozies stored up for just such an occasion...
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