I Broke A Vow

I vowed never to wear a bathing suit again in front of others (or by myself for that matter) for the rest of my life. I'm just not in good shape anymore -- or any shape. I'm so pale you can see not only the veins in my body, but the bones underneath them as well. Also, I'm a pear shaped girl which means I have "junk in the trunk." At this point in the story, some of you girls reading this are thinking, "I wish I were more pear-shaped than apple shaped because you can hide your fat with shorts and still look thin because you have a lean torso." No, I disagree. You, apple-shaped girl, have a bossom and skinney legs. You don't look like you're trying to hide your thunder thighs by wearing shorts. Not to mention, I don't have the clearest skin so even exposing my top isn't safe. Alas, I digress. So there were numerous reasons why I didn't want to wear a swimsuit again, but I won't go into every detail.

I made the vow years ago after I gained the freshman 20. I know, my weight gain was a little more than the average. All the more reason to make a vow to myself not to wear a suit! Since then I've lost a little weight, what with living on the 6th floor of a walk-up building (no elevator). But, I still didn't want to wear a suit in front of others.

The day of the beach trip had arrived and I wanted to go so badly. I didn't want to get my undergarments all sandy so I thought, "I can wear my swimsuit underneath my clothes. That way, if I sweat a lot or walk in the water, I won't have to worry about getting my clothes all dirty." I continued to think, "I can cool down if I need to by taking my shirt off and I can at least let the UPPER portion of my body taste a little sun." After thinking, I packed a little bag of necessities (mainly food -- I've gotta sustain my weight somehow) and proceeded to put on my swimsuit.I think it's important to note that I haven't put this swimsuit on since I was in high school. I didn't even know if it would fit. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it did.

I carefully applied massive amounts of 30 SPF sunscreen on my paper white body. You're supposed to put sunscreen on BEFORE you go outside, so that's what I was doing. Reghan was of course waiting on me. The doorbell rang and it was our exterminator, Juan. Juan was the first man to see me in a swimsuit since Dusty, an 18 year old high school senior. I take that back. I just remembered I went swimming in Florida once as an undergrad with my sister and brother-in-law. So, Juan was the first man to see me in a swimsuit since my brother-in-law (note, it was a different suit).

Finally we began the 1.5 hour trek to Jones Beach via the Long Island Rail Road. Jones Beach is bigger than I imagined it to be. TONS of people were there. It was a slightly overcast day, which didn't make me look any less pale. There are two things that create the illusion that I'm tan: sunglasses and night. Obviously it was day, so night could do nothing for me. Thank goodness for sunglasses, though, because without them, I would look like my natural color and not that smooth sepia color that sunglasses so graciously give. Yes, I have a complex about my skin tone!

So we're there on the beach, with our friends from church (it was a church activity). I laid out my blanket and decided to take off ONE article of clothing. I was not going to break my vow. I decided I wasn't going to go in the water either because I thought of how disgusting it might be. New York ocean probably isn't very sanitary. So I laid on my blanket listening to music on my shuffle...and Robert. I was getting really bored sunbathing. I can't lay still for a second when it comes to suntanning. As lazy as I am, one might think I could sunbathe like a pro because all it requires is not moving. I get antsy and bored waiting for the sun's cancer causing rays to kill me, though. I tried talking to Reghan, but she wanted to sunbathe in the serious way where you lay in silence. I was getting hot and people kept saying how cool the water was. I applied more sunscreen and kept waiting...waiting for something I thought would never happen again. I had no idea what I was capable of doing and what I was about to do. Vow-breaking is no joke; especially when it involves a swimsuit.

As I was looking around at the people on the beach I had an epiphany. The sun-drenched girls in their thongs next to me, with their bleached blonde hair, and probably fake "Gucci's" I'll call them, were few and far between. Most of the people on the beach were either old, under 10, or looked similar to me. The one's in the best shape looked like they were in high school, so how could I even compare myself to that? I was realizing I didn't have to be intimidated or embarassed about my appearance. I even looked good next to some people despite my whiteness, flab, and other flaws. The longer I people-watched, the more courage I was gaining. I realized everyone was different, flawed, saggy, hairy, too tan, out of shape and I wasn't the exception.

I decided I would do it. I would reveal the bottom half of my pear! At first I was a little aprehensive. Okay, A LOT aprehensive. You know what though, after a while, I felt liberated. So there I sat, in my high school blue gingham bikini -- in broad daylight for all of Jones Beach to witness. Once I was comfortable in my skin, I even decided to STAND UP and WALK towards the water!

It was nice to be in the cool ocean. We jumped waves and had fun until I realized someone's bikini top foam padding was not just floating next to me but following me. Also, I kept landing on something sharp beneath me. I didn't even want to think about what that could have been, so I ignored it -- like I ignored what people might have thought about me as they saw me in all my pale, jiggly, glory.

To those who actually read this entire post, I've decide to give you a treat: PICTURES!!!


Reghan, Me, and the infamous suit (or the infamous Snow skin)!


Reghan, Me, and my favorite shade of blue.